Desperate in Despair.

Do you know Despair?
When I’m confronted with a situation I can’t handle my first instinct is to run.

The road was cold beneath us, but it didn’t stop us from laying in the street to look up at the stars, just daring cars to turn into our neighborhood.

The nights were long, but it didn’t stop us from staying up drinking coffee and watching old cartoons.

Parents betrayed, but it didn’t stop us from loving with our breaking hearts.

Liquor was strong, but it didn’t stop us from drinking to feel invincible.  

The past was hard to think of, but it didn’t stop us from remembering with smiles.

Music was loud, but it didn’t stop us from turning it up even more and dancing in the dark.

Hands were cold, but it didn’t stop us from holding on to them with all that we could.

Tears stung, but at least we cried them together.

Words were screamed, but at least they were never turned to each other only to vent of other things.

We were spiraling into something troublesome and dark, but it didn’t matter because we could always look to each other for happiness and light.

Now I find myself trusting my instincts more and more.
Sabotaging any complications so I can walk away with no worries….

Imagining myself laying in the street again…a part of me slightly wishing one of these days a car would come.

The coffee continues to be drunk as an addiction for myself. I just want that feeling of melancholy happiness once more.

Forever stained and tainted, now these are the only people I have.

I want to feel invincible. The smell of my breath gives my game of pretend away so easily. They all stare with worried eyes. It makes me want to laugh and vomit all at the same time.

The past is hard to recall and smiling has become a forced habit.

The music is still blasting so I can no longer hear your voice in my head. The dark is like a blanket covering the mirror which reveals how severely I shake in pain.

I feel like a child again empty handed and hopeful.

Is it even better sobbing alone? Gasping as if I can’t breathe…

My notebook is filled with blank pages of words unspoken. Hurt and anger screamed in silence…

Dark and twisted…all of the ones who claim to love me just don’t know the real me. It’s so sick how I watch them care about me silently chuckling to myself ‘if only they knew’. I’d be disowned by them all.

They say she’s my new best friend. Ha! She doesn’t compare to the one who could hold me up and walk with me. Forcing me to be motivated to live…

I know despair only a little too well.